Okay it's time for a little (okay, long) rant about something not really that important, but that just bewilders me to no end. (I find myself doing this often) Bear with me here, I'm about to pour my heart and soul out to you:

Why do we have to tip people?

I mean, really. I'm sure you all know what I mean by this. Why oh why are we so insistent that if people take your order and bring you food, you're supposed to give them some virtually fixed percentage of the bill, all in the name of some mysterious thing known as "social etiquette"? I know some of you have thought about this and I know I've ranted about this to some of you before, but it just astounds me how tightly society clings onto this notion.

What is a tip? Pretty simple question, but I guess there are basically two definitions people will give:

1. A tip is money that you give someone for doing a good job while performing a service.
2. A tip is money that you give someone for performing a service.

The difference, obviously, is whether you think "good job" has anything to do with it (and to what degree you feel this).

Definition 1

If you take the first definition, I take it to mean that you think it should be given to service that you think has been performed well. That's fine and that makes sense to me. After all, if someone is serving me and I'm acting quite princess-like, I don't mind giving them some money for their troubles. People who give that extra effort should be rewarded for the fine service that they provide (compared to their slothlike brethren who do a much worse job). All fine and dandy.

But what if the person, to quote Mark Twain, "sucks ass"? (this quote is uncomfirmed). I mean, really. What if they just didn't do a good job and I felt, "Hey, this person shouldn't be rewarded for hiding in the back and not giving me a chance to refill my chips and salsa!"? Well then, I'll leave a substantially lower tip or none at all. That would only make sense to me. After all, if you think tip is for good service, WHY oh why should I pay for anything extra if I'm getting bad or subpar service? But of course we all know I can't do that. It's "wrong" or "messed up" or "a social faux pas" or "impolite" or whatever words they want to throw at you. That's ridiculous, if we're under the presupposition that tip is something given gladly for good service, there should be NO reason for giving it if i'm not glad or if the service isn't good. Plain and simple.

If you have 15 people in your party and you were served terribly, tough luck for the crappy servers... 'cause you shouldn't HAVE to give a tip. If you reply to that saying something like "but they served you and there were a lot of you and it was a lot of work!" then let me point out something to you: IT'S THEIR JOB. That is what their PAID FOR. Their JOB is to serve a customer and make them feel generally good about things. Why should we tip those maids who clean your hotel room? You never interact with them, the job they do is just about the same no matter what... it's their JOB! I don't get tip for typing and thinking 8 hours a day on this computer-thingy I work at. It can be hard, it can be a lot of work, I can put in extra hours, I can be forced to give extra effort, but nowhere along the line am I ever gonna get a tip for any of this. I'm doing my JOB. I'm doing what my employer and I agreed that I was going to do for the wage that I am earning. So why MUST (note the word "must") serving people get tipped? JUST because they're serving me? If they're not getting paid enough, then they should form a union, ask for a raise, protest, or they should just not work in a service profession. Yes, I know that watiers/waitresses may get paid less (sometimes below minimum wage) because tips are assumed as part of the "salary", but this is a circular argument 'cause obviously them getting paid less is a RESULT of these inane tipping practices, not a CAUSE.

It's like in an episode of 3rd Rock From the Sun where Dick leaves $15 (whatever) dollars on the table and tells the waitress that this is her starting point. Any time she messes up, is slow, or otherwise does a bad job, he will remove dollars from the stack. Of course the hilarity ensues as Dick points out every little wrong thing (even pulling out a watch to time the waitress) and the waitress desperately tries to make everything right. Sounds funny and sounds silly, but in reality, this is how it should be. If you suck, you don't get the money! Otherwise what was the tip for? But yet we laugh at Dick's idea. And I think we laugh because we know it's "true", that is, when it really boils down to it, that's how it SHOULD BE. But no, you are the Spawn of Satan if you give a substantially low tip. You are the Devil Incarnate if you leave paying the bill straight with no tip. After all, what would the people think of you!?!

Again, if they do a good job, I have NO problem tipping and tipping well, at that. But it's just when people do a bad job, it makes no sense why I'm such a CRIMINAL if I don't feel they deserved any money (or very little money) for a job that I felt was second-rate and half-assed.

Definition 2

Okay, this is only slightly less inane. If you believe that anyone that performs a service for you should get tipped, then that changes the matter a little. I can understand people who feel this way. After all, there is something to be said about getting a service from another warm-blooded sentient being who smiles at you, asks you about your day, and responds to your requests, as opposed to getting it from a robot or machine. (side question: should I "tip" a machine with a free tune-up since it's doing such a good job?) But if you believe that anyone who performs a service for you should deserve tip, answer these question for me and I'd be interested in your responses:

1. Should I tip a waitress?
2. Should I tip a barber?
3. Should I tip a cab driver?
4. Should I tip a cashier?
5. Should I tip a McDonald's worker?
6. Should I tip a shoe salesman?
7. Should I tip a dentist?
8. Should I tip a police officer?
9. Should I tip my high school teachers?

Now count how many you answered "yes" or "no". If you answer is anything but 9 "yes"s, and you believe in definition 2, then that is hypocritical. Every single one of those people are performing a service for you. The waitress who served your food, the barber who cut your hair, the cab driver who told you about the strip club and took you there, the cashier who quickly performed the transaction and nicely pointed you to the liquor you asked for, the McDonald's worker who made your sundae extra delicious, the shoe salesman who found your shoe quickly, the dentist who made your toothache go away very painlessly, the police officer who responded to your emergency call, your high school teacher for helping you open up your world. They ALL performed services for you and they ALL could have done a terrible job of it, but didn't. So why don't we tip them all? If you subscribe to Definition 2, then any answer other than "yes" to those questions means that the foundation for who and why we tip is totally arbitrary and senseless.

I used to work at Big 5. I had to fake smiles, I had to ask customers how they were doing, if they needed anything. When a request came in I had to run into the back, climb ladders, move boxes, and such in order to retrieve a box of shoes. I had to supply expertise in certain sports and fitness subjects to advise their purchases. I had to make sure the shoes fit and that they were as reasonably happy as can be. If needed, I had to run back into the room and repeat the process if they weren't satisfied. I had to clean up after them when they threw the shoes on the floor when they were finished. Why then should I not expect to receive tip, whereas a waiter, who has almost the exact same responsibilities, should expect a tip?

The 15% Rule

And I LOVE how for certain services, there are "expected" tips. That is, some magical percentage scribed by The Muse of All Things Wonderful And Fair herself somewhere in some ancient Greek place with lots of stone columns and maybe some dudes wearing white sheets.

Take this scenario: I go to some restaurant, eat my meal, order a bottle of wine. I'm then supposed to pay tip. Okay.

Now, let's say the bottle of wine was $5. So that means for that effort, I should give about $0.75 for that effort. Okay. Let's say, though, I decided to splurge and get a $100 wine (proably 'cause I figured I was gonna get some from my date that night). Suddenly that effort of bringing a bottle of wine was now worth $15 for that effort! I pray that I don't have to point out that it's the same amount of effort bringing either bottle of wine, but yet in former case the waiter could make off with money to buy either two stamps or a few gumballs and in the latter case the waiter made off with enough money to rent the services of a hooker in a third-world country.

I know, I know, it's only a heuristic, right? It's a loose guideline for tipping. Okay. I've gone to $5 diners where the person served me, talked to me, laughed at my jokes (very important), brought my bill promptly, and generally made me happy. I've gone to $20-$30 entree places where they brought me food and I couldn't find the waiter for the rest of the night. Yet in this system, I find myself tipping the latter waiter 4 times as much tip as the former... and we KNOW there is NO way that $5 entree server in a day will EVER get as much as the $30 entree server in a day. EVER. There's no other way of saying it: this is inane.

I remember going to a club that cost $10 to get in. There was a lady standing there collecting our money and next to her knee was a stool with a "tip jar" next to her. A Tip Jar. For someone who doesn't talk to you, someone who could not exist and I would not care in the least... asking for a tip for taking our money. "....." <-- (that's all I can say.)

Just in case it's in your mind, let me dispel something here. This is NOT about being cheap. Not in the least. Money is the not the issue. If the social milieux were overthrown and a brazen band of odorous rebels decided to lay down a new social order, and they decreed that any good, friendly service should now be tipped twice as much, whereas bad service will now be tipped nothing, I would have NO problem with it. It's not the amount of money. If the "guaranteed tip" portion of the money were instead simply part of the bill, I would actually not have too much problem with it. It's not about the money. It's about it making SENSE. It's about it being FAIR. That's all I'm really askin' for here.

[As a side note, I've made this comment to many of you, but I would actually be willing to pay this "tip" if that meant I can serve myself. Being the all-you-can-eat lover that I am, you can never get enough chips and salsa and you can never get it quickly enough. Same goes with bread or water or whatever else. I would pay just to be able to get these things myself. I hate that frustration of having to wait for a waiter to look at me, having to flag him down, having to ask, and having to wait for him again to bring what I asked for back. Can I just go into the kitchen and grab me some extra tortillas myself? Please? But no, not only do I have to pay for this ... "service"... I have to wait for it too. <Insert the Emoticon Of Frustration Here>]

Is there anyone else that finds this entire institution flat out ridiculous? I know that there are those who will say "but you really DON'T have to tip!". Please, let's just be realistic. There's lots of things we don't "really" have to do, but when all is said and done, you're gonna be doin it.

In the hollowed recesses of my mental orb, a thought rings out vibrantly: ...Should random people who visit my site give me tip for reading my Xanga? In a way I'm providing a service and there's some real work involved in typing, you know.... E-props don't pay the bills!